Please forgive the temporary silence we are experiencing on this blog right now.
It's finals week.
May you know the pleasure of sweet and tender kisses on your hand followed by a solid wipe of the nose on your arm. May you wake up nearly every night with a child who has sneaked quietly into your bed and turned into a cuddly octopus. May you hear the words, "I love you; of course I want to cuddle with you!" at least twice a day.
After you read him his favorite book every night for five years, listen outside his door as he reads it by himself (even though he still tells you he can't read yet). When he takes a shower, he will sing a lively mix of Primary and Disney songs as he slides up and down the tub. You will catch him one day sitting on the dryer so that he can transfer in the wet clothes from the washer so that he can surprise you (please ignore the fact that most of the clean clothes are now resting on the floor).
He will sing and giggle in his sleep. He will love avocado. He will carry happiness with him. He will be a natural leader. People are drawn to his peaceful nature. He is kind. He is tender. He is strong.
May you one day have a son just like you.
I used to listen to my inner bully a lot and I used to believe him. Sometimes I still do, but I have built up some skills that help me keep him at bay. You know who the inner bully is, right? You probably have dealt with one of your own, that little voice in your head that tells you awful things about who you are and what you do and how you think. He is mean. Sometimes he can be really subtle, but he's always mean. The scientific name for this mean inner voice is the inner critic and, from what I can tell, everyone has one.
I had gotten to a point where the inner bully was almost always the only voice in my head. I had stopped resisting what he was saying and was really taking those things to heart. The negative and mean thoughts were becoming my own, they felt so true, and I felt so disappointed in myself. It was hurting me and I barely even recognized it.
I was lucky, though, because my mom did. If you choose to become a regular visitor here (which I really hope you will), you will hear a lot about my mom. She helped to save me and she taught me a lot in the process, and I have a strong desire to share the things she taught me. For years and years, this was the quiet reminder she would give to me: Be gentle with yourself.
It's so simple and such a nice thought. "Be gentle with yourself," and the words are powerful. It was a reminder that I had more power than that mean inner bully. I could beat him and the best way to do that was to be gentle in the way I talked to myself and thought about myself. By the end years of my marriage, I had reached a point where it was really difficult to not give in to the subtle nagging of that inner bully, but those words helped me fight, helped me cling to the good in myself.
As I have worked towards healing and peace, those words have stuck with me and continue to strengthen me. The power is mine just as the power is yours. Do not let those negative, critical, and mean thoughts occupy your mind any longer. Throw them out and, please, be gentle with yourself.
P.S. If you would like to order the above embroidery or if you have similar words you would like embroidered, please head over to Suzi Q Studios or send me an email!
I had a really funny thing happen to me today. I don't know that it was funny, "ha ha" or funny "what the heck is going on?" but once the moment was over I felt amused.
I was on my way to my kids' school to pick them up. I was in a left turn lane, first in line, waiting for the light to turn green. In the front of the line for the cross traffic was a large semi truck, like a full-on 18-wheeler. This didn't strike me as odd on that narrow little city street until the semi began to turn right, attempting to pull into the lane right next to me. The truck was obviously waaaaaay too big to make such a hard right turn without running directly through my lane...which would directly crush me.
I got a good look at the driver as he tried to navigate the turn. He looked at me and for a moment he seemed to be asking me if he was going to clear the turn. As soon as he made eye contact with me, I shook my head. There was no way he was going to make that turn safely. He nodded a little, looked around, and then proceeded to continue pulling forward into the turn. I shook my head at him again, a little more vigorously. This time, he seemed to notice that he was about to run me over, so he stopped again and stared at me.
I sat there nose to nose with the semi and wondered what he wanted me to do. The light had turned green, but the cab of the giant truck was almost directly in front of me. There were cars on my right so I couldn't go around and there were cars behind me (probably just as befuddled as I was), so I couldn't back up. I was stuck between two cars and a semi. The funniest thing was the driver kept looking at me like I needed to fix his problem, but there was absolutely nowhere for me to go.
Finally, the traffic to my right moved and cleared a space so that I could go around the semi and free myself and all the people behind me. I assume that once we had all moved, the truck was able to complete his turn and move forward on his journey because when I came back that way he was gone, free to make all he wide right turns he could ever hope for.
There's no real point to this story except maybe the lesson learned that when you are being stared down by a driver in a semi truck, don't panic. Shake your head at him as vigorously as you can so he knows he can't go through you and then wait for the light to turn green and for traffic to clear so you can drive around. Patience and a calm demeanor will always win in a semi-truck showdown...hopefully.
I've started this post at least five times.
The first post is always the hardest.
Hi. My name is Sarah.
About ten years ago, I started a little blog. Really, it was more like a journal that I used to keep my family and friends updated on my life. It was a really good way to not have to worry about sending Christmas cards every year because I'm really bad at sending Christmas cards. If anyone asked how my family was, I could refer them to my blog. I loved writing three or four times a week and I tried really hard to focus my blog on the good and happy things I was seeing in my life.
I did that because it was getting harder and harder for me to see good and happy things in my life. I didn't recognize it at the time, but my marriage relationship was very toxic and I was struggling with some incredibly hard stuff. I needed something of a lifeline and writing about a good life helped me stay afloat.
As my blog grew, I transitioned my focus a little more on some of my creative projects and to a more private view of my family and so Creating Sarah was born. Sadly, however, the challenges I was facing also grew and it became harder and harder for me to see good and to work up the energy to write. I threw in a few posts here and there, but about five years ago I stopped writing.
That...it is sad. It is a little heartbreaking to me to remember that I could not even write. For a while, I made little promises that soon I would get back into it and I would set aside projects to do and write and post, but most of them never made it. I don't tell you this, though, to make you feel sad or sorry for me. Really, I'm just writing this out because that is the foundation of why I have come back.
A lot has happened in those five years since I stopped writing. My marriage ended and I needed to go through a difficult process of mental and emotional healing and strengthening. I also have had to redefine myself as the provider for my family as well as the nurturer and homemaker. I feel like five years ago I was reduced to almost nothing. I had almost lost all sense of myself. I did not feel strong. I did not feel happy. I did not feel peace. I did not know if I was important, loved, or wanted. I felt numb to life, almost completely devoid of hope. I lost Sarah.
That is why I am here and that is why I feel compelled to start writing about my life again. I no longer feel so lost and I have been able to do a lot to rebuild and redefine myself to be stronger and more sure in what I believe in. Life has not gotten any easier. I still have challenges that I face every day, but I have found peace and I understand that life is hard so that we can learn and grow.
The definition of create (according to Merriam-Webster.com) is to cause something new to exist. That is what I'm doing with my life. I am taking the nothing I was left with five years ago and I am creating Sarah.
Single mom. Determined to create the best life I can. Lover of words. Lover of embroidery. Lover of theatre. Lover of all things creative. Disney fan through and through. Happy to see you here.